


such a beautiful disaster

by twoorangecookies



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, heavy drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:08:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoorangecookies/pseuds/twoorangecookies
Summary: Trini Gomez had thought life was going well. She was in college, she was living with her perfect girlfriend, and her whole life was ahead of her. But then she had the crashing realization that nothing in her life was what it seemed to be, and they had more troubles than she had ever imagined. She has to decide just what she's willing to live with and what isn't worth her time, and she has to learn that sometimes true love isn't enough.
Relationships: Kimberly Hart/Trini
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33





	such a beautiful disaster

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this for about a year and was going to wait until I finished a few more before beginning to post it, but with the way the fandom is dying it'll probably be completely dead before that happens, so I'm gonna start posting it now. I know I don't get a lot of readers to begin with and a lot of people won't want to read this AU, but I hope those that do give it a chance enjoy it. If you do please let me know what you think below, it helps a lot. If I get some stuff wrong, I apologize. Work of fiction. I'm more nervous than usual about posting this so please be nice.
> 
> Work and chapter title from the song Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson

_"and if I could hold on_  
_through the tears and the laughter_  
_would it be beautiful_  
_or just a beautiful disaster"_

* * *

She doesn’t know how it got to this point. Where had it all gone wrong? She’s sitting on the floor in her living room --  _ their _ living room -- and she’s alone. The echoes of fighting surround her, and it’s all she can hear. The words that were exchanged, the anger in her lover’s voice, the pain; it’s all so fresh and so raw. But she can’t cry. She doesn’t know why she’s not crying. Maybe she’s in shock. Is this what shock feels like?

But it had been for the best, hadn’t it? She had done what she had to do for both of them; for  _ her _ . God, she loves her. She loves that girl more than anything she has ever loved, and it makes her  _ ache  _ to know what she’s going through. But she had done everything she could. Hadn’t she?

She thinks about the beginning. How innocent and fresh it had all been. Back when they laughed and smiled. When things were good.

She gets to her feet and starts to pick up the objects all over the floor that had been thrown at her. The broken picture frame that held a picture of the two of them on their one year anniversary, the pieces of broken porcelain from a tiger that always sat on their bookshelf, books, and a broken mug from their trip to Disneyland on one of her birthdays. She throws out all the broken objects, her heart breaking again as she says goodbye to the memories, and she places the books back on the bookshelf with care. So many memories, so much time, and all of it is over.

She holds onto the bookshelf and lets out a sob, and her body starts to shake, and she slowly crumples to the floor. She cries for the end of her five year relationship, she cries for the pain they’ve been through, for the pain her lover has been in, and she cries for herself. Because she deserves her happy ending, and she isn’t going to get it.

Someone comes through the front door, and she looks up quickly, hoping it’s  _ her _ , but it isn’t. A man in dark jeans and a dark shirt looks around before settling his gaze on her. He strides over and drops to her side, immediately pulling her into his arms.

“I guess it didn’t go well?” He asks gently, stroking his fingers through her hair. She doesn’t answer, she just cries into his shirt. He sighs and holds her tighter. “It’ll be okay, Trini. She’ll be okay.”

“She didn’t choose me, Zack,” she finally chokes out.

“She isn’t herself,” he says. 

“I miss her.”

“I know. We all do.”

“It...it hurts so much,” she sobs.

“I know,” he says again. “But we’re here.”

“I want  _ her _ here.”

“Give her time.”

“I’m so scared.”

“We all are,” he tells her. “We all are.”

**EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO**

Trini moved to the music surrounding her. The lights were low, and there were pulsing lights all around them as she moved her body against Kim’s. Kim looked hot. Kim always looked hot in Trini's opinion, but that night she looked hotter than ever. She wore black jeans that looked like they were painted to her body, a black sheer top that had an opening in one shoulder down to her bicep, and black heeled boots that put her a few more inches above Trini’s height. And Trini didn’t mind. Her girlfriend looked  _ hot _ . And the way their bodies moved together, knowing one another and each other’s moves before they could make them, Trini knew they looked hot together. But all she could focus on was Kim. Kim’s body, Kim’s smile, and Kim’s flowery scent. It was nearly overwhelming. But they hadn’t danced like that in a long time. Things had been rocky between them recently, so it felt good to feel so connected.

Kim’s body was tight against Trini’s, her hands wandering over Trini’s body, and Kim dipped her lips down to Trini’s ear. “I’m gonna hit the bathroom,” she said in a low, husky voice. Then she let go of Trini and sauntered off, her perfect ass swaying. 

Trini gulped. Did she get what Kim was implying? For her to follow? Were they about to have hot public bathroom sex? Desire burned through her. It wasn’t something she might normally be into, but she was into Kim, and she was into the recent  _ hot _ sex they’d been having, despite any distance between them. Maybe it was another way for them to get close again. Trini licked her lips and gave it a moment before walking towards the bathroom. She went down the darkened hallway, passed the people making out, and pushed her way into the restroom. It looked empty. She bent down to look at the bottoms of the stalls, and she saw Kim’s boots. Trini grinned to herself and walked over, pushing the door open.

“Hey, princess, I-” Her words died on her tongue. She stared at Kim in equal parts horror and confusion. She had entered just in time to see Kim sniff something white off her hand and wipe her nose.

Kim looked up in surprise, her mouth falling open. “Trini.”

“What...what was that?”

“What was what?” Kim’s eyes widened in mock innocence. 

“...I thought…” She shook her head and backed up. Surely she hadn’t seen what she thought she’d seen. “I thought you wanted me to follow you.”

“No...I just needed to use the bathroom.”

Kim’s calm denial only served to make Trini angry. “Maybe you should learn to lock the door.”

“Trini,” Kim said, almost as though she were a child, “Come on, let’s go dance.”

“No,” Trini said firmly. She crossed her arms and made sure to block Kim from getting by her. “Tell me what that was.”

Rolling her eyes, Kim continued to look at Trini with her faux innocence. “God, Trin, it’s not a big deal. Just a little fun.”

“Since when do you have ‘just a little fun’?” Trini stepped forward. “How long have you been having ‘just a little fun’? Is this why you’ve been so weird? And why Alpha keeps getting odd readings on you?”

“You’re making this a bigger deal than it is,” Kim argued, trying to push past Trini. But Trini stood her ground.

“My girlfriend is snorting drugs and I’m making it a big deal?!” Trini didn’t mean to shout, she hardly ever shouted at Kim, but she was scared and still confused. “How long, Kim?”

“A little while,” Kim said vaguely. “It’s just...to keep up with everything. I’ve got finals, and Ranger duties, and you, and-”

“Oh, I’m so sorry I’ve caused you to do drugs,” Trini snapped.

“That’s not what I mean! It’s just...a lot. And it helps me stay on top of everything.”

“We’re all dealing with the same load,” Trini said. “But the rest of us aren’t doing drugs!”

“What do you want me to say?”

“That I’m dreaming! That this isn’t happening!”

“I’m sorry, Trin.”

“You’re stopping. You’re not gonna do that shit anymore. Or else I tell Zordon.”

“You can’t do that! He’ll take my coin away!” Kim moved forward, angry, and it scared Trini a little. She backed up. Her face must have shown her fear, because Kim’s face fell. “Trini. Wait. Are you...are you scared of me?”

“Yeah, Kim. I’m scared right now,” Trini said, a strength in her voice that she didn’t know she had at the moment. “Of you, of this...I knew something was going on with you, but I didn’t ever think... _ you _ , of all people...I thought you were stronger than this.”

Kim’s gaze fell. “Then maybe you don’t know me.”

“No,” Trini agreed. “Maybe I don’t.”

Kim waited a beat before speaking. “Please. Can we go dance?”

“No. I’m leaving.” She started to back up. “Enjoy your high.” She turned to go and Kim rushed forward to grab her arm.

“Seriously, Trin, it’s not a big deal. I can stop. I will. Just don’t...don’t be mad at me.”

Trini turned and looked at Kim, who looked so sincere and scared, and her heart ached. “You’ll really stop?”

“Yes. You’re right...I...I don’t need it.”

“I don’t think people stop just like that.”

“ _ I _ can.”

Trini stared at Kim. Her girlfriend looked so sure, so honest, and just like that, she caved. “Okay.”

“Can we go home now?”

“Yeah, baby,” Trini said, taking Kim’s hand in hers. “Let’s go home.” And maybe Trini was being naive, maybe she knew she was, but it was Kim. It was her entire world. She led Kim out of the bathroom and lifted her hand to kiss the back of it. “You feelin’ okay?”

“I am as long as you’re not mad at me.”

Trini sighed and moved her arm around Kim’s waist. “I’m not mad, Princess.” 

Just terrified.

* * *

Trini became hyper aware of Kim in the following days and weeks. Every time Kim went into another room, every time she seemed larger than life, Trini wondered if she was using. She wanted to believe Kim that she was stopping cold turkey, but it was hard. She didn’t know a lot about harder drugs, but she did know that people couldn’t just stop. It didn’t work that way. And Kim didn’t show signs of withdrawal, because Trini had quickly started looking up the signs online and none seemed to be prevalent in Kim.

Kim was the same Kim she had been in recent months, and that made Trini suspicious. She hated feeling that way, but she couldn’t kick it. The tension that had been there between them recently didn’t go away. It only seemed to grow. Like a thick wire just waiting to be snapped. 

They both sat in bed one night, a couple of weeks after the incident at the club, as they studied for their differing finals. ( Actually, Kim only thought Trini was studying. She was reading about addiction. ) Trini was gnawing on her lip, unable to concentrate, which had been the case lately, and she glanced over at her girlfriend. Kim was reading her business book silently. Trini continued to stare, studying her, gaging if anything looked different or out of place. After a while, Kim put her book down and looked over. “What?”

“Huh?”

“You’re staring.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Do you have something to say?” Kim asked.

“No...I…” Trini let out a breath. “You’d tell me...if you didn’t quit...right?”

Kim looked exasperated. “Trin, I quit. I told you I could, and I did.” 

“You were doing cocaine for three months, regularly, and now I’m supposed to believe you stopped just like that?”

“You’re supposed to believe  _ me _ , yeah.”

“Are you supplementing anything? Like pot or drinking?”

“Yeah,” Kim said, rolling her eyes. “My tea mug actually has brandy in it.”

“Does it?” Trini asked softly.

“No! And so what if it did?! Brandy isn’t illegal. I’m not an addict, Trin, don’t treat me like one.”

Trini stared at the anger in Kim’s face and guilt poured through her. Kim was right. Trini should give her a chance. She let out a sigh and put her laptop on the bedside table before turning back to her girlfriend. “I’m sorry.”

Kim stared back at her for a bit before her face relaxed. “Thank you.” She pushed her book off the bed. “Just trust me, okay?” And she moved her arm around Trini and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “I love you, and I’ll give up anything for you. For us.”

That comforted Trini and she smiled and leaned into Kim. “And I just need you with me.”

“I am.” Kim kissed her neck. “I’ve been crazy about you since the day you shared your water with me.”

“And you pulled me off a cliff.”

“Ssh,” Kim hushed, pushing Trini onto her back. “It all worked out, didn’t it?”

Trini stared up at Kim above her and took in how beautiful her girlfriend was. “You mean after three months of you being a pain in my ass before you shut up and kissed me?”

Kim pushed Trini’s shirt up and tossed it aside then leaned down to feather kisses along her breasts. “I wanted to kiss you the first time you glared at me.”

With a chuckle, Trini pushed her hands through Kim’s hair. “And you waited til we were in the middle of training, in front of the boys and Alpha and Zordon.”

“Spontaneity is romantic.” Kim’s hand slid down and started to tug down the yoga pants Trini wore.

“I wouldn’t consider the Pit romantic.”

Kim laughed in Trini’s ear and got her pants free before sliding a hand up her leg and hip. “Everything I do is romantic.”

“I don’t know about that, Princess.” Trini watched Kim carefully pull down her panties and drop them off the bed, but before Kim could drop her lips to Trini’s thigh, Trini pulled her up and started to undress her. It was only fair after all.

“It was romantic enough to win you over, wasn’t it?” Kim asked with a knowing smirk.

“It wasn’t how you kissed me that won me over,” Trini said. She threw Kim’s shirt off the bed and watched Kim take her own pants and underwear off. 

“Then what was it?”

“It was you,” Trini said, cupping Kim’s face and pulling her down against herself. “Just you.”

“Lucky me,” Kim murmured, brushing their lips together.

“You should show me how much you love me,” Trini whispered.

“Oh, I will, baby, I will,” Kim replied, before kissing her deeply.

* * *

Trini laid on her back and stared at the ceiling fan spinning. The sounds of Kim’s shower could be heard from the bathroom. Trini was a million miles away. Kim and the past three months had been on her mind so much since that night at the club, and it felt like a rotating disc to Trini. She played and replayed fights and moments where she should have seen that something was off, but she didn’t. She had been too busy with her own classes, with work, and with their Ranger duties. The subtle changes in Kim just flew over her head. 

She had noticed Kim was losing weight, maybe too much, but her girlfriend had excused it to stress and stomach aches from the stress. And Trini believed it. Kim snapped at her more, got irritated more, but Trini figured that was due to how busy they both were. And yeah, there were more times that Trini thought Kim seemed down, but again, they were under a lot. A lot more than the typical college student. And the fights...they had been some of the worst of their relationship, but Trini expected they would work through it. So many little things that she hadn’t put together, but should have. She rubbed her face tiredly.

What really bothered her was the question of how Kim paid for it. They barely made enough with her job to cover half their bills, and Kim’s parents paid the other half so Kim could focus on school. Trini frowned and sat up. She picked up her phone and pulled Kim’s mother’s name up and hit call while glancing at the bathroom door. It sounded like Kim was still showering. Something she had been doing a lot more in the recent months. The phone rang a few times before Madison answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Madison, it’s Trini.”

“Trini, honey, hi! How are you?”

“Uh, good, I’m good,” she lied. “Hey, uh, I think our rent is changing next month and we wanted to check in with you on our agreement.”

“Oh,” the woman said. “Well, just have Kimberly text me the full amount, whatever it is, and we’ll still cover it. We just want you two to get the most out of your education and not worry about that.”

“Right,” she said quietly. “Look, that really isn’t necessary, I’m happy to work-”

“Kimberly told us you were fired, and there’s nothing wrong with that,” Madison assured. “I’m sure you worked very hard.”

“She told you about that, huh?” Trini’s heart pounded. Just how many lies were going around? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Well, it’s really not a big deal. I found another job so I think we should go back to our old arrangement. I insist.”

“If you’re sure about it, Trini.”

“I am. It’s great that you guys even pay half for us. I want to take care of the rest. Just...no matter what Kim says, I’m going to work and pay my share. I know she’ll try to convince you otherwise.”

Madison chuckled. “I’ll let you two fight that one out, but don’t worry, honey. We’ll only be as involved or uninvolved as you want.”

“Thanks. Uh, I’d offer to let you talk to your daughter, but she’s currently testing the limits of our hot water bill.”

“I’ll call her tomorrow. Have a good night, Trini.”

“You, too,” Trini said. “Good night.” She hung up and flopped back onto her back. Kim was going to lose it when she found out Trini had gone behind her back, but Trini had needed to know, and she needed Kim’s parents to not send them any extra money that Kim would be tempted to use. “Dammit, Kim,” she sighed. She just didn’t know what to think. She wanted to give the woman she loved the benefit of the doubt that she could give it up at will, but she had seen one too many movies. Enough to make her scared. But maybe she was making a big deal out of it. Plenty of people used drugs recreationally without being addicted, right? After all, she still smoked weed fairly often. “Weed and coke aren’t the same,” she murmured to herself. She chewed her lip and looked at the empty spot beside her. How long had it been since she had watched Kim sleep? It used to be near regular after they had sex, Kim always needed at least a catnap, but then it was more often likely that Kim took a shower after they had sex. And Trini hadn’t questioned it. Trini realized she blindly trusted Kim in everything. Should she?

She heard the shower cut off and felt a new panic arise. She didn’t know what to say to Kim. She wasn’t sure if she could hold her tongue. So she turned off the lamp beside her and turned on her side, away from Kim’s side, away from the bathroom door, and she closed her eyes. She listened to Kim in the bathroom, then listened to her emerge. Kim crept around the room quietly for a moment before sitting down on her side.

“Trin? You asleep?” Kim asked. Trini kept quiet. She felt the bed shift and Kim leaned over her and kissed her cheek softly. “Sleep well, baby.” Trini felt Kim sit back beside her and move around a bit, then Trini heard Kim’s laptop starting up. It was so late. Wasn’t she tired? Or was Trini just looking for things to be wrong? Maybe Kim needed to wind down.

How was Trini supposed to know when to worry and when to let things go? How was she supposed to look at her girlfriend and see Kim instead of looking for an addict?

* * *

“GODDAMMIT TRINI!” The front door slammed shut and Trini closed her eyes. She was in the kitchen washing her breakfast dishes from hours before, and she counted down slowly while she waited for Kim to storm in. She didn’t have to wait long. “How  _ dare _ you talk to my mom about my half of our bills?!”

Trini dried her hands on her sides and turned to face Kim who was red-faced in her anger. “Don’t you mean all of our bills?” She asked calmly. “The ones they’ve been paying since I got fired? How long has that been?” She set her hands on her hips as she waited for an answer.

“It doesn’t matter how much money  _ I _ get from  _ my _ parents! I put in half, don’t I?!”

“And what have you been spending the other half on?”

“That’s none of your business!” Kim shouted, flinging a hand out.

“It is if you can’t honestly answer the question. We live together, I know all of your expenses. You don’t need that money for anything, and what’s worse is you’re lying about  _ me _ to get it!”

“Look, I know you’re jealous I don’t have to work, but they gave you the option not to. You’re the one who chooses to work on top of everything.”

Trini’s eyes narrowed in a glare. “Don’t turn this around on me! Do you not see how fucked up this is, Kim?! You-you orchestrated this big plan, lying to me and your parents, so you could have extra money for somethin’ you say you’re not addicted to!”

“Who do you think pays for our nights out?!”

“It doesn’t cost that much.”

“You know, I’ve always known you had a problem with me being rich,” Kim spat. “I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I’m not poor.”

Trini’s mouth dropped and she took a step back into the sink.  _ Her _ Kim would never say that. Not in a million years. “I’m not doin’ this with you.” She shook her head and started to walk out of the kitchen, but Kim grabbed her arm to hold her back.

“Why are you doing this?!”

“If you’re done using it then why does it matter if you don’t get the money anymore?” Trini asked evenly. Kim glared at her silently, like she was trying to come up with a reason, but finally she just shook her head.

“The point is you went snooping behind my back because you don’t trust me!”

“No!” Trini shouted. “I don’t!” And they both stood there with those words echoing between them. They glared at one another and their breathing was hard. After a bit, Kim suddenly pushed Trini back against the counter and pressed against her. She leaned down and kissed her hard, angrily, and Trini let her. She let her, but she didn’t return it, and after a moment she pushed Kim away. “I can’t look at you right now.” She brushed past her girlfriend and stormed into their bedroom and slammed the door shut and locked it.

“Oh come on, Trini!” Kim shouted, pounding on the door. “You’re making too big of a deal out of all of this!”

Trini, her knees shaking too hard, sat on the edge of the bed and lowered her head. She listened to Kim bang at the door and yell at her, and she wondered how they had gotten there. Hadn’t they just been happy? Really, blissfully, stupidly happy? She glanced up and noticed that Kim had gone silent. Trini still needed time. She fell back on her back and closed her eyes, willing her heartbeat to slow back to normal. All she could see and hear was how angry Kim had looked and sounded. Yeah, they had always bickered, it was part of who they were, but they never argued with such...hate.

And it was then that Trini did something she still hadn’t done since she found Kim in that bathroom and all of her illusions were shattered; she cried.

* * *

About half an hour later Trini walked into the living room and saw Kim sitting on the couch lengthwise with a textbook in her hands. She looked up at Trini over the book and her eyes were wide with concern. She just stared at Trini for a minute, and Trini stood there. Trini didn’t know what to say. Her gaze dropped to her feet, because the look in Kim’s eyes hurt too much.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Kim said softly. She held out a hand to Trini. Trini stared at her hand for a long time. She looked back to Kim’s face. Just with a look Trini knew that it was  _ her _ Kim. Not the girl she had been shouting with not long ago, but the girl she loved with her whole heart. Trini’s head fell and she felt her resolve crumble. She walked over and took Kim’s hand, and Kim tugged her down onto her lap and wrapped her arms around her. Trini laid her head on Kim’s shoulder and cuddled into her. Kim rubbed her back. “I know I offended you and I’m sorry,” Kim murmured. “I think it’s the withdrawal or something. It makes my moods all over the place.”

The words hit Trini awkwardly. She wasn’t sure she believed them. That fight, though the worst to date, was similar to others they’d had over the last few months. Mean. Their fighting had never been mean like that before the drugs. Kim had never been mean like that. Not in a way filled with malice. Trini closed her eyes and tried to push all her worries away and just be in the moment with Kim. “You’re not you sometimes,” she whispered. “It scares me.”

“I promise I’m still me,” Kim said. She moved her hand to Trini’s cheek and tipped her head back to look into her eyes. “I’m your girl.” Kim stared into Trini’s eyes, read them like her oldest book, and her frown only deepened. “You were crying,” she stated. “I’m sorry.” Kim peppered kisses over Trini’s face softly.

Trini wrapped her hand around Kim’s neck gently and pushed her back so she could look her in the eye again. She stared at those brown eyes that she knew so well, almost better than her own, and she felt her heart sink. “You’re high now,” she said, tiredly.

“What? No, I’m not,” Kim said, shaking her head.

“Your eyes are totally dilated.” Trini watched Kim break their connection and look away.

“I had a couple of those cannabis gummies that Zack gave us,” Kim shrugged. “Just to help me calm down.”

“Then...you are high.”

“But I’m good high, not bad high,” Kim argued lightly. Trini pushed on Kim to get up, but Kim held her down so she couldn’t. “Trini, really, it’s okay.”

“You don’t need to get high because we had a fight,” Trini told her. “Just...don’t fight with me.” Trini moved her thumb to Kim’s cheek and brushed it. She was hurting inside. She was hurting because she knew how Kim behaved on any form of cannabis. Like a playful kitten. In front of her was a calm, almost happy Kim. An energy radiated from her, an excitable one. Trini could tell that Kim was making herself look collected, but she wasn’t. Which meant she was lying to Trini. She was high on cocaine. Trini closed her eyes and rested her forehead on Kim’s shoulder. She was too tired to fight again.

“I’d like to take you to bed,” Kim murmured into Trini’s hair. 

Trini shook her head and held on tighter. “Just hold me,” she whispered. If Kim could lie, so could Trini for a little while longer.

Sometime later Trini woke up against Kim. She sat up and looked and saw that Kim was fast asleep. She stood up and looked around the room, and her eyes fell on Kim’s backpack. She went over to it and crouched down before opening each pouch and searching through it. Inside one of the smaller ones she found a tiny baggie of white powder. She took it, then she went through the apartment and looked in every hiding spot she could think of. She emerged from their bathroom with another baggie, taken from the bottom of Kim’s makeup bag, and walked into the living room. She tossed it down with the three other baggies she had found, along with the special gummies from Zack, onto the coffee table. Kim was still asleep so Trini went into the kitchen and made two cups of tea. She brought them into the living room and placed one in front of Kim then stood on the other side of the coffee table with her own. She sipped it carefully and watched Kim and waited for her to stir.

It took ten minutes or so, but Kim shifted and began to wake up. Her eyes blinked open groggily and she looked around. Before she could even look at Trini, Kim’s eyes found the drugs on the table. She stared at them for a moment then looked up at Trini. She only met Trini’s eyes for a second before her gaze fell to her lap.

“I made you tea,” Trini said softly. “It’s what most people do when they need to calm down.” Her words were specific, but casually spoken. “I don’t know if I found all of it or not. I’d like you to give me anymore that you might have, but I don’t think you will. I’m getting rid of all of it. No more ‘good’ or ‘bad’ drugs, just...no more drugs. If you’re not addicted it shouldn’t be a problem. If you do it behind my back...yeah, maybe I’ll never know, but it’s a lie. No more lying to me. I’m not an idiot, okay? We had a fight earlier, you did some coke, then you lied to me and said you didn’t. That’s not gonna happen anymore. If...being off it is gonna make you a horrible bitch then I’ll put up with it until it passes, but don’t lie to me anymore. Don’t cheat money off your parents anymore. If you need more money just tell them, but don’t involve me or our bills. If any of that keeps up or I find out you’ve done it even one more time, you’re going to rehab. And I’m telling Zordon. You can either take all of those conditions right now, or I’ll tell Zack to expect you on his couch.” Trini shrugged.

“That sounds like an ultimatum,” Kim said quietly.

“Yeah...it is,” Trini nodded. “You’ve been doing a lot of lying to me, and I thought we were better than that.” 

“You know I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

Trini set her tea down and picked up the drugs from the table. “Maybe not, but you did. And coke is really dangerous. You say you’re not addicted, so please find another stress reliever. I’m gonna go flush this now. If there’s more, now would be the time to get it for me.”

“There isn’t.”

“Okay,” Trini said. She turned and walked towards their bedroom.

“Trini…”

“Yeah?” Trini stopped and looked over her shoulder. Kim’s eyes were on the drugs in her hands.

“I’ll do all of it. For us. I’m not an addict.”

“Glad to hear it,” Trini said, before walking to the bathroom and flushing it all.

* * *

Later that night, Trini moved the half-empty pizza box from the bed to the floor and she turned back to look at Kim. Kim was curled up under the blankets and had been since her nap. Trini had barely been able to get Kim to eat any pizza, much less get out of bed, but she wasn’t too worried. In her endless reading she had learned that depression was a side effect of coming off cocaine, and it explained Kim’s mood swings over recent months, but it especially explained Kim’s mood since after their fight. Trini sighed and turned the lamp off then snuggled up against her girlfriend.

“What can I do for you?” Trini asked softly. She ran her fingers through Kim’s hair and studied her face.

“Don’t stop loving me,” Kim whispered, almost desperately.

“Oh, Princess,” Trini murmured, kissing Kim’s lips lightly. “That’s a guarantee.”

“You know, it was like...when we first became Rangers and we defeated Rita...and it felt like we were invincible. It was such an incredible feeling. That’s what getting high feels like. Like I actually can do it all, and that I’m the best possible me.”

“It’s lying to you,” Trini said. “You’re the best possible you without it.” Trini’s heart felt crushed at Kim’s lack of confidence. It wasn’t her, at all.

“I just wanted to feel it again.”

“Does being a Ranger not make you happy anymore?”

“Of course it does. And my classes still make me happy. And you...you definitely still make me happy. But all at once it’s...it’s like I’m at seventy-five percent me. Like a battery that charges and charges and just...stops before it’s fully charged, every time. And often when I just want to drown in us and feel better...you’re not here. You’re busier than I am.” Trini stared at Kim’s face, watched how she refused to meet her eyes, and she kissed her lips again. “You do more than me,” Kim went on. “You work on top of everything. So why can’t I do my stuff and feel one hundred percent?”

“Maybe it’s a vitamin deficiency,” Trini suggested. “Have you gone to the doctor and had blood work done recently?”

“No.”

“Or maybe you just need to talk to someone. Someone other than me.”

“I’m not crazy,” Kim argued.

“No. But there are people out there that could have more answers than me,” Trini pointed out. “There’s nothing wrong with talking to someone.” She kissed Kim’s forehead. “Will you let me call around for you? I just want you to feel better, Princess.”

“I’ll try it,” Kim nodded. “For you.”

“All you gotta do is try.” She watched Kim and waited for her girlfriend to meet her gaze. “I love you at whatever percent you are,” she promised. “Always will.”

“Let’s not wait til we graduate to get married. Let’s do it now.”

“Why now?”

“Why not?” Kim looked at Trini pleadingly, desperately.

“Because I don’t want our marriage to be something you need to feel better,” Trini said softly. “I want it to be something you want because we’re ready.”

“I am ready.”

“I’m not,” Trini replied. “I’m still saving up for the perfect ring, for my perfect girl.” She watched Kim’s gaze fall and she tipped her chin up to kiss her. “My perfect girl,” she repeated.

“Trin…”

“Yeah?”

“Please make love to me. I need you close to me.”

Trini answered her with a deep kiss. She ran her hand up and down Kim’s side before beginning to undress her. She kept Kim close the entire time, and when they had both shed all their clothes, Trini settled on top of Kim and kissed her again. Her fingertips moved up and down Kim’s body, over all the lines she had memorized by heart, and she slowly rocked her hips to Kim’s. When she wasn’t kissing her girl, she was watching her face, mesmerized by her. Kim would always be the most beautiful girl to her. The most important. And Kim needed to know it that night, so Trini set about to show her.

She let her lips stray from Kim’s and kissed down her chest and across her breasts. She palmed one while kissing and nipping at the other, and then she switched. She was fuled on by the immense love she had for her girlfriend, and the sounds that she made. She continued kissing down Kim’s body and worshiped every inch, every freckle, before settling down between her legs. She kissed either of Kim’s thighs and spread them apart. She looked up towards her girlfriend’s face and saw, for the first time, that Kim’s eyes were closed. Trini tried not to take it personally, and she leaned in and slowly ran her tongue against her, enjoying the small gasp it elicited. She licked Kim again and again, and then she danced her tongue against her fervently working her up. She let herself down in Kim’s taste, scent, and sound. Trini shivered at the way Kim’s fingers locked in her hair and tugged it, silently begging for more. Trini continued, not quite giving Kim what she needed where she needed it.

“Baby...please...more,” Kim gasped.

Trini kissed her way back up Kim’s body until she reached her lips, where hers hovered, and she stared down at her girlfriend. It hurt that Kim wouldn’t look at her. “Open your eyes,” she whispered. Several beats passed and Trini began to think Kim wasn’t going to do it. It hurt because since their first time together, a night that had been perfect and magical, they had always looked into each other’s eyes when they made love. It always made it feel so much better; thicker and closer. Her girl had never been shy or demure during sex. Trini sighed and leaned down to brush one soft kiss on Kim’s lips, and when she lifted back up she watched Kim’s eyes blink open and stare at her. Kim’s gaze looked so uncertain and scared, and Trini hadn’t seen that look on her since the moment after they had first kissed all those years ago. Trini stared back into Kim’s eyes and tried to convey all the love and concern she had for the girl in her own eyes as her hand slipped between Kim’s legs and her fingers soaked her up. She gently pushed two fingers into Kim and watched her eyes flutter for a moment before opening again to stare back. Trini started to thrust inside of Kim. She watched Kim’s lips part to gasp at the feeling. “If I ever make you feel like you need to do drugs,” she said softly. “Tell me, and I’ll try to do better for you, okay?”

Kim cupped Trini’s face and kissed her long and hard. They kissed for so long, it brought such a haze to Trini’s mind, that she almost forgot what she was doing between Kim’s legs. Kim parted and breathed hard against Trini’s lips. “It’s not you,” she promised. “You’re always perfect for me.” Trini responded by curling her fingers and moving her thumb to Kim’s clit in hard circles, and Kim moaned out softly. “You’re perfect, baby,” she whimpered.

“You’re perfect for me, too, Princess,” Trini whispered, thrusting harder. She kissed Kim’s cheek before raising up again to watch her face and all the pleasure that washed over it. She felt Kim’s walls hugging her fingers tightly, and she knew just by looking at her that she was close. She flicked at Kim’s clit and switched directions of her circles. She enjoyed the sound of Kim’s moans.

“Yes, please, yes,” Kim garbled.

Trini worked harder and eventually frowned. “Do you want another finger?” She murmured. Kim was silent for a moment and then she nodded. Trini withdrew her hand and reentered Kim with three fingers slowly. She eased back to the speed and intensity she had been at before, and tried her hardest to bring Kim over that edge. As much as she tried to ignore it, it wasn’t the first time recently that it had taken longer or not happened at all. But Trini didn’t want to give up, despite the sweat coating her body, because she didn’t want to fail at the most basic thing between them. Eventually, Kim shook her head.

“Trin, stop,” she whispered. When Trini didn’t, she reached down and took hold of Trini’s wrist. Trini stilled inside of her. “Stop,” she said again. Trini sighed and took her hand from Kim and wiped it on the sheets.

“Was I...not doing something right?” Trini asked. It was one of many things apparently that she had been trying to avoid, trying to not see. She understood it more that night than before. 

“No. No, you’re so good at it,” Kim assured her. “I guess...I’m just tired.”

“Okay,” Trini whispered. She rolled off of Kim and laid beside her. Kim turned to her.

“Let me take care of you,” she said, reaching out for Trini’s hip.

“No, it’s okay.”

“Please,” Kim begged, shifting to lean over Trini. “I really want to.”

“I thought you were tired.”

“I’m never too tired to make my girl feel good,” Kim answered, kissing Trini’s neck.

Trini held the back of Kim’s neck and guided her into a kiss. They shared a slow but deep kiss for a long time. When they parted, Trini caressed Kim’s cheek. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

Kim looked disappointed, but she nodded. “If I can hold you.”

“Of course you can,” Trini said. She let Kim angle her onto her side and felt her press up close against her back. Not an inch of space was between their bodies. Their ankles tangled and Kim’s arm was tight around Trini while Trini’s head laid against the other arm. Kim kissed the back of Trini’s shoulder and they both sighed.

“I’m going to be okay,” Kim whispered in the silence. “ _ We’ll _ be okay. Tomorrow’s a fresh start.”

Trini’s arm closed over Kim’s and she shut her eyes tightly. She really wanted to believe it, but she was finally letting herself really see what had been happening over the last few months, and for some reason she just couldn’t believe that it was all as simple as Kim was making it out to be. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to the arm beneath her. “I know, Princess. I know.”

“You’re the only drug I need.”

Trini sighed, unsure if she believed it.


End file.
